Jocelyn Briscoe

God just took me through one of the most extensive grief counseling sessions I've ever experienced. I had just watched a clip of me walking down the aisle crying at my high school graduation ceremony. Prior to the commencement starting, I remembered running out of the graduation line sobbing uncontrollably. I wailed and wailed in the hallway while my classmates listened in silence. My teacher was trying to console me but I could hardly pull it together. I finally returned to the line after holding my class up. I walked down to my seat in tears. Although I graduated ten years ago, the pain I felt that day still resonated deeply within me. Those wails were filled with such pain and agony.

As I reflected on that day, I realized that I didn't understand what was happening to me at the time. I began to pour out my heart to God and walk through that day. I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of grief. What was supposed to be a joyous celebration turned into sorrowful mourning. I felt as though no one took the time to show up for me on what was one of the most important days of my life. It was already bad enough that my mother couldn't be there. I just couldn't understand why everyone in my family wouldn't make it imperative to be there in my mom's place. I missed her terribly! God revealed to me that I actually had not processed her death at that time. I didn't even know I was grieving. It was one of the first incidents where I actually had to accept the fact that she was gone. She was not there to see me graduate high school and it hit me like a semi-truck. I had suppressed that pain and distracted myself. 

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I had not cried like that since I found out she died 4 years earlier. Then God walked with me back to the day my mother died. My mother died in 2009. Before I could actually envision the day, the emotions just spewed out. I screamed, wailed and cried as if I just found out she died. The best way to describe the intensity of my cries is to imagine a bottle/can of pop that you shook up and then opened. Envision dropping 20 pounds of Mentos into a 12 foot deep pool full of Coca-Cola. It was as if my soul collected every single scream, tear and feeling surrounding my mother's death for 14 years. My eyes welled with an overflow of tears. At this point I knew that I'd entered into another counseling session with God.

                   Last night I attended Four One's Class of Christ as usual. The teaching was a recap of a sermon we watched last week. Although the message was the same, it was delivered differently. More so, it affected my soul much differently. It was a rather difficult teaching to get through. I felt angry. I felt sad. Before I even got on the call, I found myself taking a deep breath. I was instructed to start a “people” fast from 10/16 to 10/30. It was going…….well it was just going to be honest. I only watched one Four One Christ Collective video and I could count how many times I had prayed. God has instructed me to do some things during this fast which I had done. I also experienced a sleep paralysis attack. This was odd because I’d never been through anything like that. I say all this to say that, something in me was almost dreading the call. I didn’t know what to expect or what I would hear. If what I would hear would be the same thing I’d already heard. Would I get help this time? Was God going to speak to me? Has He been present for what I’ve been going through? Although I know He is omnipotent, sometimes you have that thought. God where are you? 

                 Prior to the teaching starting, Prophet Tonya called my name. She asked me if I was okay. I replied, “Yes, I’m fine.” She said, “You know there are no secrets with the Father'' or something along those lines. I again replied, “Yes, I’m fine. Just fabulous.” Then I texted Miyah and said Why Jesus always tryna put me on blast? She laughed. We’ve both experienced this with God on multiple occasions. The teaching began and I began to write notes. Teacher Deyona was explaining how we can either take a journey of grace or a journey of self effort. We began to differentiate human plotting from God’s promise. I began to get angry following Teacher Deyona’s statement being: Sometimes God’s promise will cause you to appear barren in the area of your life that is purposed to be most fruitful. I mean I got PISSED! I had to turn my camera off. Throughout the remainder of the teaching, I turned my camera on and off in an attempt to get myself together. I was overwhelmed with emotion. Screaming HOW at the screen while I was on mute. A few others had shared testimonies and their thoughts on the lesson. Then the Prophet called my name again and asked if I had anything to say.

                 I shook my head no but she asked to hear my voice. Of course, I’m upset and didn’t want to bring attention to that. I unmuted my microphone and said I didn’t have anything to share. She called my name a few times, “Jocelyn…..Jocelyn…..Jocelyn…..what’s going on?” Here again I think, Man…why Jesus always tryna put me on blast? This is not the first time I’ve had to bear it all in front of people. God tends to use me as an example whether I want to be or not. I began to speak and tears just flowed. I expressed how difficult this teaching was. I understood that God’s promise was a solution yet needed a problem to be birthed. It seems like a simple concept, especially for the Most High to do. However, it just doesn’t feel good. I couldn’t find anything else other than that to say. IT JUST DOESN’T FEEL GOOD! I’m trying. I really am trying but this just doesn’t feel good. No one else other than a few knew how long I’ve been dealing with this topic. I didn’t specifically share anything. I cried as though I’d just received a whooping.